Maybe You're Gonna Come Back

The lyrics from the song "Maybe" by Ingrid Michaelson are really hitting home for me today. This song says to me that you can't keep someone by refusing to let them go... so you let them go, and hope they might come back one day. In the meantime you get on with your life. I know that Mike is not coming back, and that I probably shouldn't want him to. But I am still sad and I still miss him every single day. Sometimes I just want him to show up on my doorstep unannounced, envelop me in a bear hug, and tell me he came to his senses and will never walk away again.

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me


Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

My "Balance" List

I've been thinking a lot about how to start addressing the parts of my life that need attention, to stop being so disappointed, to bring joy back into my life.

I am reminded of a Wheel of Life diagram where you rate on a scale of 1 to 10 your satisfaction in each of these areas of your life: Career, money, health/fitness, friends/family, significant other/romance/intimacy, personal growth/spirituality, fun/recreation, physical environment. At the moment, when I complete this exercise, I score the lowest in health/fitness, fun/recreation, and significant other/romance/intimacy. So I've thought about what I can do to improve how I feel about these aspects of my life.

Here is the list of things I've come up with to get things back on track:

1. Create some systems around eating, cooking, and being healthy to make this easier to stick to.
2. When I'm down or overwhelmed, I have a tendency toward the path of least resistance (i.e. cereal for dinner because it takes 30 seconds to make, letting laundry/cleaning/tidying/chores build up rather than addressing them as needed). So maybe I can jumpstart a mindset of things being back on track by putting in the time and simply acting like things are on track. Take the time to prep food for healthy meals. Do one chore per day. I'll be busy enough that I won't have so much time to dwell on the negative!
3. Date for fun for the next couple of months. FUN ONLY. Nothing serious. And in that vein...
4. Join a singles social club. (Not a dating service! Just fun activities planned for members, all of whom are single). 
5. Take a culinary class with Dirty Apron Culinary School.
6. Yoga, twice a week, every week. Exceptions only if my disc flares up and makes it impossible.
7. Walks or moderate hikes. My goal is to do something active at least 4 times a week. Yoga above obviously counts towards this! Use my wall calendar at home to keep track of days when I've done this.
8. Try some water sports in the summer. Go kayaking at Deep Cove. Take a paddleboarding or windsurfing lesson. See if you can get out on a boat.

Turning Negativity On Its Head

I'm not going to sugar-coat it; the last two weeks have been a hellish roller-coaster of emotions for me. I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months, but not because I wanted to or for any particular reason that I can identify. I still don't fully understand what happened; it's just the way the cards seem to have fallen.

I am angry, I deserve better treatment than I got, I love him, I feel ignored, I regret my mistakes, I want to fix things, I miss him, I'm in denial, I am devastated, I want to make him feel guilty, I want to be heard & understood, I just want him to be happy, I want to be happy. I feel all these things at once, or in very quick succession from moment to moment. I'm surprised by the intensity of my feelings; I've only known him for six months, but I thought he was It. I fell so hard and fast for him, it seems I lost track of just how much distance I covered in that fall! Over the last two weeks I've felt confused... so VERY confused. I've had moments of happiness, inspiration, and motivation. But mostly I've cried oceans of tears. I've taken a day off work because I woke up last Friday with an emotional hangover, my eyes so red & puffy from crying all night that they were nearly swollen shut. I do not like this upheaval. I miss his physical closeness. I miss talking to him. I just miss him.

Beyond my romantic partnership falling apart, I have been unhappy in several aspects of my life compared to where I think they *should* be. Feeling so bereft because I miss Mike naturally makes me think about other ways I also feel disappointed... it's that downward spiral thinking we all do from time to time. Sometimes I get so trapped in it that climbing out of the negative spiral seems like too much effort. I climb out anyway, because being down there sucks out my soul, but then I'm so spent that I'm certainly not about to go fixing all the areas of my life that clearly need attention. Which, ironically, is exactly what I need to do to prevent that type of thinking again in the future.

All this emotion spilling out of me makes me hyper-aware of my thoughts, my surroundings, the consequences of my actions and decisions. I feel more alive than usual, because I'm feeling things so deeply right now.

I think I'm starting to accept that I'm single again, that this is my new reality, and the dust is beginning to settle. But before I go back to feeling neutral, I want to channel the alive-ness into action.  All those corners of my life that I've given up on fixing... I want to dust off the cobwebs there and do something good while I'm paying attention. I want the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" to actually MEAN SOMETHING to me. It hasn't before; what hasn't killed me thus far has definitely made me weaker.

I'm going to change that.